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🐘 PHP Elephant Riding a Rocket to Production 🚀
$ sudo whoami
[sudo] password for reality: ****
qdenka@github:~$ cat /etc/qdenka/profile
SYSTEM INFORMATION:
├── OS: Human v28.0 LTS (Long Term Suffering)
├── Kernel: Coffee-driven-development 5.12
├── Shell: /bin/sarcasm
├── Uptime: 10,220 days (several mental reboots)
└── Load Average: ☕☕☕☕☕/5
CORE ATTRIBUTES:
• Backend wizard who speaks fluent PHP (and the elephant speaks back) 🐘
• Can center a div but chooses violence (backend) instead 💀
• Professional bug creator and occasional fixer 🐛
• Stack Overflow contributor (mostly questions) 📚
• Debugger by day, bug creator by night 🌙
• "It works on my machine" certified ✅
$ echo $LIFE_MOTTO
"If it compiles, ship it. If it runs, it's a feature."PHP ████████████████████ 99 HP 🔥 LEGENDARY
! Critical Hit: Can make spaghetti code that somehow works
SQL █████████████████░░░ 85 HP ⚡ EPIC
! Special Move: JOINs so complex they achieve sentience
Python ███████████████░░░░░ 75 HP 🐍 EPIC
! Passive Skill: Writes code that's readable (sometimes)
Go ████████████░░░░░░░░ 60 HP 🐹 RARE
! Learning Buff: +5 HP per day (until I forget)
JavaScript ██████████░░░░░░░░░░ 50 HP 💛 COMMON
! Debuff: Occasionally async/awaits forever
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ 📦 LEGENDARY ENTERPRISE BEAST ║
║ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ║
║ ║
║ ⚡ POWER: Handles millions of requests ║
║ without breaking a sweat ║
║ ║
║ 🎯 SPECIAL: Load balancing that would ║
║ make Thanos proud ║
║ ║
║ 📊 STATS: 99.9% uptime (0.1% coffee break) ║
║ ║
║ STATUS: "It's not a bug, it's a feature" ✨ ║
╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ 🏢 EPIC BUSINESS SOLUTION ║
║ ⭐⭐⭐⭐ ║
║ ║
║ ⚡ POWER: Manages properties like a boss ║
║ ║
║ 🎯 SPECIAL: Makes realtors cry tears of joy ║
║ ║
║ 📊 STATS: 10K+ properties, 0 houses for me ║
║ ║
║ STATUS: "99 bugs in the code..." 🐛 ║
╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ 🧠 MYTHIC AI OVERLORD ASSISTANT ║
║ ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ║
║ ║
║ ⚡ POWER: Transcribes calls & pretends ║
║ to understand them ║
║ ║
║ 🎯 SPECIAL: Makes meetings bearable ║
║ ║
║ 📊 STATS: 50K+ calls processed, still confused ║
║ ║
║ STATUS: "Teaching robots to human since 2024" 🤖 ║
╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
Coffee consumed per line of code: ████████░░ 80%
Bugs fixed vs created ratio: ██░░░░░░░░ 20%
Googling vs Coding time: ███████░░░ 70%
Actually knows what's happening: █░░░░░░░░░ 10%
const currentProjects = {
"🦀 Learning Rust": [▓▓▓░░░░░░░] 30% // and 70% confused
"🎭 Perfecting Dad Jokes": [▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░] 90% // my kids hate me
"🐛 Finding Bugs": [▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓] 100% // they find me
"📝 Writing Docs": [▓░░░░░░░░░] 10% // what's that?
"🧘 Work-Life Balance": [░░░░░░░░░░] 0% // 404 Not Found
"☕ Coffee Addiction": [▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓] 200% // OVERFLOW ERROR
};# Cast these spells to connect:
🔮 git clone https://github.com/qdenka/friendship.git
📧 echo "your.message" | mail -s "Hey!" qdenka@dev.null
💼 sudo apt-get install qdenka-professional-network
🐦 import { qdenka } from '@twitter/api'
# Warning: Side effects may include debugging sessions and dad jokes
"There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors."
?
🎉 ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: You found the easter egg!
Here's your reward - My actual development process:
1. Write code ☕
2. It doesn't work 😐
3. I don't know why 🤔
4. Stack Overflow 🔍
5. Copy-paste solution 📋
6. It works! 🎉
7. I don't know why 🤷
8. Ship it! 🚀
9. GOTO 1 (yes, I used GOTO, fight me)
Remember: A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders 0 beers.
Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers.
Orders a ueicbksjdhd.
First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.
Made with 💚 and excessive amounts of ☕ by @qdenka
"If you think this README is over-engineered, you should see my Hello World program"